Dear Queen: Please send $34 million. P.S. We’ve nukes now
2:59 pm January 31, 2012, by jgalloway
Some of you might remember Charlie Smith, a Democrat and House member from St. Marys, who served as Gov. Roy Barnes’ floor leader a number of years back.
We miss him, and fear for his health.
Clearly infected by Mitt Romney, Smith has recently succumbed to venture capitalism. He has ventured to submit a $34 million bill to Queen Elizabeth II and David Cameron, the man in charge of her government, for a 197-year-old case of vandalism.
From the letter that Smith sent to the pair, via Federal Express:
You may be aware that preparations are underway in some corners of this country to celebrate the bicentennial of that encounter we Americans call the War of 1812. While it was seen here by some of the old timers as our second war of independence, we know that the gist of the dispute was actually our trading with the French during your war with them. Times have changed, and many in our community would be happy to support you in future disputes with that nation.
Others have noted that after declaring war, we never actually invaded England, but instead attacked Canada and various Indian tribes, resulting in hard feelings all around. The time has come to put those feelings to rest….
[T]o help heal some of the old wounds that still exist in St. Marys, it would be good of you to examine your records concerning a brutal English attack on our fair town. You will recall that we had all forgotten what we were fighting about, following your decisive defeat of Napoleon in 1814.
But on January 13, 1815, well after the time our peace treaty had been signed, your Captain Charles Ross, commanding HMS Albion and two bomb ships, HMS Terror and HMS Devastation, supported by Royal Marines, landed unopposed to occupy St. Marys. Your countrymen caused substantial damage while here….
You will surely be most embarrassed to learn that the damage to St. Marys was never repaid, and considering our warm relations over these many years (not to mention that we now have a fleet ballistic missile submarine base), your government will likely to rush to offer compensation upon learning of this sordid tale….
[W]ith your indulgence, I propose the following arrangement: Let us discount the estimate of damage by 80%, and agree on an original amount of $100,000 US. At a very conservative interest rate of 3% compounded annually, and accounting for the passage of 197 years from the time of the damage, a fair settlement would seem to be in the neighborhood of $34 million US, which should be made payable to the City of St. Marys, Georgia.
While I do not represent the City of St. Marys, and would never consider accepting a fee for services in pointing out the moral obligation of your honorable nation to right this terrible injustice, I would be happy to coordinate the presentation of your government’s check to our mayor and council, some of whom I have on occasion supported…
It would be particularly good of you to send a member or two of the royal family, and I would be happy to travel to London and serve as personal escort….
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